Page Four

So there I was fiddling with the radio dial, when I happened to pause it on Radio 4 for a second. Now this was something of an accident because I drink beer, I do not drink Vodka Martinis so I don't have anything in common Radio 4 listeners or its programme producers. In fact  there's no common cultural experience beyond the fact the presenters are speaking something like English. Anyway it was Woman's Hour, of course it is because it's always Woman's Hour on Radio 4 only it's worse than you think because this was Woman's Hour Late, yep there's actually more than one Woman's Hour on a station that is pretty much dedicated to a female audience. How do people involved in Radio 4 get through the day without thinking that this is more than a little odd?

Anyway, I was glad to have encountered the programme on this occasion because they had an interview with a leading anti page three campaigner. Oh right you're thinking, she must be a real Gladys Tin Knickers, well she might be in reality but on this occasion in her version of reality, she was coming out as a nymphomaniac, with a particular preference for group sex. You know I can hear the tea cups falling to the floor at this very moment only get this it gets worse (or better) these -- encounters (I think we'll call 'em  that for the moment, gang bang is a term that I think needs some rehabilitation before it can be dropped in to polite discourse) were apt to take place at 'Festivals'. What does that mean I thought, I've never seen a tent bigger than a wardrobe at Glastonbury, is she having sex exclusively with midgets? No though, it seems I was labouring under a misapprehension, these festivals were sex festivals, events, apparently, staged for the sole purpose of engaging in group sex...

...ulp.

Holy fucking shit, are you telling me these things actually exist? Well as yet, I'm not totally convinced, reality is a somewhat elastic concepts for most people of Lucy Anne Holmes's ideological disposition. Yes that's the er -- lady in question, Lucy Anne Holmes -- valiant campaigner against page three because we can't have lorry drivers wanking at truck stops can we, cluster fucks for the metropolitan elite and their Viagra dosed priapi, they're ok. Now before you get all het up about the hypocrisy of it all, I do see a certain consistency in Mz. Holme's stance on page three, after all wouldn't the thought of all those hod carriers spilling their loads be offensive to a person of her -- disposition, she must consider it a frightful waste of talent.

Wait a second, how do you get a spot on Woman's Hour detailing your sexual exploits, it seem a mite incongruous even if it is Woman's Hour Late and what on earth could prompt a person with such proclivities to take such opportunity to tell everyone about them? Well my friend the answer is simple, in this the epoch of hypocrisy the motive is money of course, you see Mz Holmes, is an author promoting her book. Wait there's more -- she turns out to be a rather accomplished author in fact with at least two pornographic novels already published and one of 'em a winner of a not so prestigious prize. Yep that's right, Lucy Anne Holmes, the  Jeanne D'Arc of the war on the public display of chesticles, makes a living from porn. I wonder how that news will go down with those model agency starlets forced to take less salubrious assignments now the opportunities afforded by The Sun are no more?